On the 3 year anniversary of my starting this blog—October, 2015 dedicated to my Mother and her teaches, this article remains the number 1 read. So it is the one I will not rewrite but update with my progress as I continue on my journey of picking up the pieces. I have kept the original article as is below.
Dear Mom,
It has now been over 4 years since you went on your way. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. The things I outlined below in the original article still hold true but were written in the brevity of time between your leaving and now, perhaps without enough distance of grief. I feel as if maybe I should have waited but you know me more than most, patience is not my strong suit but my life lesson to be conquered.
In the past 4 years since your death I say your name probably too much so that your youngest grandchild, Jack will not forget you. Though I may not stop it, I will never stop saying your name, I won’t let you die twice. I have subscribed to countless blogs & social media pages dedicated to the Motherless Daughter. All in an effort to connect with something that should be so natural—death. Grief though, sure is a fickle being; an isolation if you let it or a connection to others.
In the past 4 years your death has brought me to people & places that might have never manifested if you were still here. I have had conversations and made countless connections that may have never taken place. In two recent job interviews when asked what motivates me now, there is only one answer—you. I watched you in life always go back to what you knew professionally because it was safe while at the same time always routing for me to not be like you. Though that was easy to do, I fought it my whole life and had perfected not being like you…in death I now realize I could live 100 more years and not be like you—you were just that good.
In the past 4 years your death has forced me to examine some of the toughest life choices I have made. In life and debate we most often could never come to a consensus because you led with your heart and I always my head. You said to me once: you are the hardest person I have ever known. I suppose that made me examine, why? As most often happens in childhood there are things that happen that break our hearts. Yours was broken very early by something you never let into your heart in life, though you continued to be led by it. Mine also, though I let it in and shut my heart down. With your death I started to open my heart, though now it was completely broken beyond repair. I suppose that is the price of love.
In the past 4 years I have tried to make amends where I could; since oddly since your passing, life has that much more meaning to me. Though my heart is broken, I have tried to soften it and let it lead me to places before you were gone I would have probably never traveled. Your heart in a way kept me from things; as security for your family could not let you see beyond what was not yours to control.
In the past 4 years I have lost friendships that could not sustain my grief but I have also found kindred spirits that could. Your death is still an enigma to me Mom. One that brings me a new concept to explore, almost everyday. I do feel you have moved on to whatever life was next for you and I no longer feel your presence. That brings me much joy and conversely much sadness. I will not pretend to be fine anymore in the moments I am not. I will look for ways to honor you, big and small as often as I can. I will continue your legacy of love as the family you created you treasured so much and were so very proud of. Most importantly, I will say your name—Margie, Margie, Margie. As long as I am living, where I go, you go also. I promised you that in life.
Kim: I think you are my best friend.
Margie: I know you are mine.
Love, Kim
This article is dedicated to My Friend, Robyn for I may not be as far as I am on this journey if not for her…from the bottom of my heart—Thank You!
(I cropped her from this picture, at her request, and I gladly obliged because that is how much I love her 🙂 )
In my bio I touched upon the source of my strength and resilience my Mom, Margie. As you read this story, insert your own experiences where mine lie and feel all I do with me as you release your own feelings and maybe start to heal or continue on your healing journey.
The love story of Kim and Margie goes like this. As the 3rd child of Margie and her only Daughter, our bond would forever be cemented from the day I was born. My girlfriend and I have often talked about how people tend to sometimes rewrite history after a loved one passes away and not look at the relationship for what it really was…I now know it isn’t rewriting history as much as it is realizing it was your history, it was yours and hers and it was unique to us all. My Mom and I were like oil and water, I would say black, she would say white. I often felt like the parent in our relationship as she chose not to have a partner throughout her adult life and I often had to shoulder that “burden”. I often resented that role because even as strong as I thought I was; sometimes I just wanted to be the daughter. It wasn’t until her passing that I “rewrote” history out of the realization I had it all wrong, she was my Mother and I was her Daughter.
Here are the 5 things (there are many more) I learned after my “stability” died and how I began to pick up the pieces.
- No one knows what you are going through. I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out. Every relationship between two people is as unique as a snowflake. And no two people will ever feel the same grief. Not your brother, sister and so on. Learning this one thing has released me from so much anger towards people whom I was putting this on when it wasn’t theirs to carry. Think about it.
- Strength, resilience and support sometimes comes from the most unlikely of places. My girlfriend and I recently went to see psychic medium, John Edward. I was drowning in grief from the day Margie died, at times I was willing to walk away from it all, family; friends; my job to try to find some solace in life. By the time I walked into that seminar, I didn’t have anything to give back to the loved ones in my life. By the time I left I had everything. John opened my eyes and heart and helped me realize even after death our loved ones are still with us. They are in the wind, the waves of the ocean, our hearts and our minds…our souls are forever linked, Love never dies.
- You will miss them more than you ever thought possible in life. Believe it or not I would often think of how it would feel when my Mother was gone. When her and I were in the crux of an argument or just plain difference of opinion, I would think I will not miss this. I took for granted how she insisted she see me ON my birthday all of the 44 years we shared, I took for granted how she was always the first one at my house for an engagement even if I wasn’t ready to have company yet, I took for granted how in my narrow 4 foot galley kitchen she would have to be right next to me. In death there is no more “taking for granted”…still haven’t found my way out of this one yet. I miss my Mom’s presence more than I could have ever known in life…
- You have to tell people what you need, remember no one is a mind reader, unless of course they are a mind reader. 🙂 I am so guilty of expecting people to know what I need based on what I would do if they were in similar circumstances. I have completely (well almost) let that go. If you need something ask for it, don’t expect it. Believe me this is truly a liberating step.
- Life is for the living. Your family still needs you. My Daughter (24) and my Sons (22, 11) need their Mother, as much as I needed mine. Change your focus outward as often as you can to those who still need you. The more you do this the more you free yourself. This takes lots of practice but your heart and soul deserve the rewards this brings.
From the moment my Mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness to the day I held her head in my lap and had my hand on her heart when it stopped beating, my life was forever changed. A little over four years later I can honestly say we are closer in death in so many ways that I didn’t think possible in life. I am now that person that can say life does go on, your heart may still be broken (mine sure is) but as more time and healing comes to pass, the crack doesn’t seem so deep…
Much LOVE from me to you! Love Never Dies…♥
Kimberly
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4 thoughts on “When your Stability Dies…Picking up the Pieces”
Margie was a very nice person. We always had alot to talk about when she came into the dental office. She was always happy.
Karen, thank you for those kind words about Margie. You have just unseated my days without crying, back down to zero. 🙂
Kim this was beautifully written and hit home.. I very much have this same relationship with my mom. I am happy I still have my Mom.
Kim, you are a true testament to strength and resilience! God Bless!
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