The Art of “Shaming” And WHY it must STOP!

I recently posted a video on Social Media of my Mother saying to me: I Love You. This was no ordinary video, in no ordinary time of life, this was a video that took an exorbitant amount of strength for her to make and this is a video she made on her deathbed. As I approached my second birthday without her—a foreign concept to me now as how can you have a birthday without the woman who gave birth to you—I frantically went in search of this video to hear her voice. This video exists because my Brother, who I shared this 9 month experience with (diagnosis to death), started taking selfies with our Mom, as she started to forget he had come to visit her and wanted to provide her a visual reminder. It took off from there and evolved into sending videos back and forth when one of us couldn’t be with her. Here is the video. Mom saying: I Love You

The “opposition” to this video was in reference to how frail and not like her “normal” self, she looked. My opposition (no quotes) is, she wasn’t her normal self, she was riddled with disease that had ravaged her one time healthy body. As a society do we only want to remember the part of the person that when healthy was pleasing to the eye and forget what makes us uncomfortable? Do I look back on those pictures and reflect on how frail and not “herself” she looked, of course I do. We are conditioned to gravitate towards what pleases our sensory vision and flee from what does not. However, as I watched my Mom’s once vibrant physical presence deteriorate right before my eyes, something extraordinary happened! I started to see her from the inside out—her strength, her spirit, her total release of her “armor”, she was free…and in turn that set me free. I no longer viewed her as a physical being but as a metaphorical one. It is only in that deterioration that I was able to stop seeing with my eyes and to start seeing with my heart.

Last night I had a dream. I was walking beside my Mom’s whole-intact physical body, though in the dream it was her spirit. She wanted to know what her last moments were like. I started to talk and as usual she interrupted me, that is something I actually miss the most. 😀 I interrupted her back and turned to her and said: I will no longer mourn you Mom from deep inside. I am going to mourn you on the surface. You are the Love of My Life. We then embraced in a hug I can still feel. ♥♥

I wasn’t “shamed” in what typically may be seen as a negative event. It was in a private conversation that was relayed to me. All the same, negativity manifested itself, it thwarted the mourning process for me. I turned inward and went against my very nature of being expressive. Most of the time, and rightly so, people in your life move on after the passing of a loved one that isn’t theirs. You are left on an island, by yourself, in the middle of nowhere, and that is a very lonely place. The purpose of this article is twofold: don’t allow yourself to be shamed and don’t shame the process for others. I recently had a conversation with my dearest friend about how words are black and white with no gray area. My personal motto in any conversation is: Truth or Silence. With death the silence is palpable.

Kimberly

Author; Blogger; Self-Proclaimed “Woman” of all trades and Self-Proclaimed “Master” of some! AFAA Certified Group Aerobics Instructor since 1998; MA Licensed Real Estate Agent since 1995; former Certified Financial Counselor and Passionate Advocator of Financial Education for Women. Tech Geek; Home Cook & Most Importantly, Mother of 3, my #1 Reason for Living!!!