I Could Of Had Fun But I Had Kids

While having lunch with a dear, old friend last week she said something to me that struck me like a lighting bolt. She said: I see you have loosened up your stance on getting away and going out more [inference, finally 23 years later]. While I let the statement sink in (what I call processing) and waited for her elaboration (which was only seconds but seemed like light-years) of course my mind was already running in a million different directions in defense—I could have traveled more, but I had kids—I could have been a CEO (though I know a very successful woman who is and has kids), but I had kids—I could be out every night of the week having fun, but I had kids and I am sure the list was much more exhaustive in those few seconds as the mind is a vast ocean…

Truth be told I was never the one who when I was young said, I want to have 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. In fact, quite the opposite I don’t think I ever really thought about it at all. When I became pregnant with my first child, I was stunned! I took upwards of 5 pregnancy tests (maybe 7) thinking the result might change each time. I am not going to play naive here, of course I know how procreation works and was taking precautions to prevent it…but God had other plans. And two more times after that…God had other plans. The one time I actually contemplated having a child, a 4th, fate intervened and I had an operation that would preclude that forever. God had other plans…

Somewhere between the light-years and the next exchange of words it struck me that I was in defense mode—armor in hand—walls were going up. With those next words, my choices were about to come under scrutiny, I had to get prepared. But just then before the words flowed, I caught a scene, such as this, out of the corner of my eye and now the Universe had other plans for the course of this conversation…

I listened intently to what she said and did so without pretense, anger or armor. It took me 46 years to get to this place (and sometimes, admittedly, I am not entirely there), a place where I could listen without my mind going into warrior mode the second I felt like I was coming under attack. A place where the past no longer had a presence in my present moment. The future yes, because the past is a very useful tool if applied thoughtfully. If I have learned anything in this life it is we are the summation of every choice we have made—good or bad—and if we don’t use hindsight as the great tool we have been given, we will repeat those choices, most likely unconsciously—good or bad.

So now it was my turn. I said, yes I have loosened my stance but at times it is still a struggle. I crave alone time, of which a lot is not afforded me. I had to loosen my stance to save myself. Every parent—biological, step, foster all know the struggle of wanting to be home when they are out and wanting to be out when they are home. My Mom was a single mother of 4 at the age of 34 who made the choice not to date because she did not want us to think she abandoned us. I remember when I was in high school thinking that was crazy and tried to get her to go out. I could not appreciate that at the time but I sure as heck can now. My Mom is now gone, but that legacy she left is with me until the end of my days. But what I also learned on the flip side is she needed a S.M.S.—Save My Sanity. And now by my 3rd child who is almost 9, I learned I needed that too. So with hindsight as my tool, I started saying yes more often—yes to weekends away with my husband (without kids), yes to overnight spa retreats with my friends, yes to places and lands far away and yes to times just being by myself. Hindsight threw me a S.M.S and I took it. And as the words I could of had fun, but I had kids finished up this dialogue, I thought but didn’t say—God had other plans and doesn’t he have quite the sense of humor… 😉

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Kimberly

Author; Blogger; Self-Proclaimed “Woman” of all trades and Self-Proclaimed “Master” of some! AFAA Certified Group Aerobics Instructor since 1998; MA Licensed Real Estate Agent since 1995; former Certified Financial Counselor and Passionate Advocator of Financial Education for Women. Tech Geek; Home Cook & Most Importantly, Mother of 3, my #1 Reason for Living!!!