I always used to wonder, is it nurture or nature that makes us like or unlike our parents. What if we only grew up with one parent but have tendencies like the other? What if we were raised with both parents but have tendencies of neither or have tendencies of both? What if we were adopted and never knew our birth parents? What if we now as parents wonder what parts of nurture or nature will our children receive from us? So many what ifs.
Before I go forward in thought let me go back in history. When I wrote the article I Could Of Had Fun But I Had Kids, I wasn’t exaggerating, I don’t have any recollection in my childhood memory of someday wanting to have children. Maybe I did and I just don’t remember—anything is possible. The mind is a vast storage of useful and some useless information-such as Schoolhouse Rock jingles 😉 , that get trapped in the subconscious—often times begging to be released. Having children is a test you can never prepare for, the only knowledge you are equipped with is what you learned and lived as a child.
My brother is a wonderful example of the quest for self-realization and is always in search of what drives him now and what has driven him over the years. He wants to continue the cycle of love our Mother provided us but valiantly wants to let go of what no longer serves him. I feel the same. We are fortunate to have each other, as brothers and sisters hold the key to those forgotten childhood memories and tendencies that have molded us. We have spent countless hours over the years in conference about this very thing and more so with the death of our Mom. Are we more like our Mom, who provided the nature & nurture or our Dad who provided the most ingrain nature and the lessons of growing up without him?
My true belief lies somewhere in the middle of nurture and nature. Once we become adults and become conscious of what drives us, the actions we take are our responsibility. Even if we never become fully conscious the underlying driver is always there. My Mom provided a stability to our lives that I have tried to perpetuate with my children since the day they were born. My Dad provided me with the unique nature of humor that I have given back, to the world, my entire life. His absence created a hole that was now my responsibility to heal. Sometimes the greatest lessons we learn come from absence. It allows us to fill in our own gaps and grow as humans. I am so fortunate to recognize nurture and nature can peacefully coexist even in the absence of the other. My goal from here on out is to provide my children with the answers they seek from me as I am only half of their nature but so very consciously the biggest part of their nurture.
Recently my Son came to me and said: I can graduate from college a semester early but possibly without the “Honors College” designation pending a thesis. My first reaction as a Mom was you worked so hard to be invited into the Honors College, your Dad and I want your degree to reflect that. Then I took a step back and examined my reaction— We, want your degree to reflect that designation without asking, what do you want? I without hesitation took my burden off my son and as a grown man he is to make his own decision. I set him free from my expectations and in turn that set me free.
In the conclusion his degree will reflect his hard work with a “honors” designation and he will graduate a semester early. In my conclusion as I continue to take this journey with my children, I am very sure I will learn a lot more about letting go and if “Children Really Do Learn What They Live”, maybe parents do also.
Kimberly
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