Alone, Party of One, Your Table is Not Ready

Updated: March, 2019

One morning I woke up to a message from a woman who had read an article on my site. She asked and I paraphrase: How do I make the switch from expecting others to treat me as I would treat them if I don’t ask for what I need? This question was in reference to divorce, again a subject I know all too well. I was 34 when I split from my husband for the last time. We had been together 17 years at that point, exactly half of my lifetime. We had two beautiful children together and truth be told countless fond memories of my “starter life”, I will elaborate on this in more detail ahead. It has been almost 14 years since my divorce but not a day goes by where I don’t still reflect upon a learned lesson or two that with an open heart, I will share with you. As humans in our shared experiences we tighten the ties that bind. It is in sharing where release truly begins.

Lesson 1: Divorce (I will use the term in both noun form, as an adjective and verb form) is a very, very lonely passage of time. Even if you are the instigator, no especially if you are the instigator the loneliness is that much more palpable. You have not only decided to end an until death do you part contract, you have made that decision for your partner as well, most of the time without their consent. To layer on that even more, if you have children, you have made the decision for them too. Friends, in-laws, acquaintances will all take a side. Please take my advice and heed very close attention to this point. Save your strength to fight the bigger battles ahead, lines in the sand will most emphatically be drawn. You are not responsible for making anyone but yourself feel comfortable with your decision. This lesson also taught me still to this day, you are the only one driving your bus. It would be nice if there was a seat for everyone after divorce but sometimes there just isn’t, and you need to be ok with that. Lines drawn during divorce and its surrounding environment though they may fade over time are still visible and felt if only in the heart and memory.

Lesson 2: You learn the great stuff you are made of. During this passage of time, I questioned everything about myself. Was I a phony? Did I only pretend to be decisive? Was I wrong? And those are just a few I can think of at this moment, I am sure there are many more time has healed and let go. To pile on this mountain, all the people in your life will question you too, “are you sure you want to go through with this—are you crazy—do you know what this is going to do to the kids?” to name a few. My Mother, I hope she can not read this from Heaven (as she was right), once or more than once said to me: You will know the time is right, when there is no going back, only moving forward. When I decided the very last time that this time was it, it was it. There was no more waffling, maybes, or one more try. When all of those hold me back synonyms were swept away, all that was left was strength, determination, grit and forward movement. As you see from lesson 1, I had saved my strength and it was the fuel I needed to move the divorce vessel full steam ahead.

Lesson 3: There is a famous quote by Robert Frost, In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on. I understand how truly trite this may sound when you are in the depths of divorce despair, I really do! But I also know, almost 14 years on the other side I am living proof that life goes on. I went on to get married again and brought another beautiful soul into this world. I have watched my children grow into the most wonderful of human beings. My first husband and I went on to lead lives chain free from the hurt we were, intentional or not, inflicting on each other. My “starter life” taught me what I did and did not want out of life and marriage and relationships. It taught me that until death do us part is simply an oxymoron. It doesn’t take death to part two people in a marriage. Divorce is the death of marriage, the end of one life, but the beginning of another. Life goes on because it has to go on, what a glorious concept when you embrace it.

So to answer the question posed to me: How do I make the switch from expecting others to treat me as I would treat them if I don’t ask for what I need?—Ask for what you need. Just make darn sure first that you know what you need. Divorce is a paradigm of chaos, a one size definitely does not fit all paradigm. The most important takeaway from this article, in my experienced humble opinion, is to treat yourself like you would treat others. The most often overlooked person in divorce is yourself. You are very busy taking care of everyone else and trying to make it—your divorce— right for the world. Let me save you a whole lot of time, you simply can’t! Re-read, Repeat after me—YOU SIMPLY CAN’T. To circle back↑, ask for what you need, but know what you need and know only you can treat yourself as you would treat others.

Re-read, Repeat.

I encourage you to leave a comment or a success experience you have had!! The Leave a Reply fields are optional, if you want to remain anonymous just fill in the comment section and hit post! Thank you for sharing your experiences and remember “no [wo]man is an island.”

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Kimberly

Author; Blogger; Self-Proclaimed “Woman” of all trades and Self-Proclaimed “Master” of some! AFAA Certified Group Aerobics Instructor since 1998; MA Licensed Real Estate Agent since 1995; former Certified Financial Counselor and Passionate Advocator of Financial Education for Women. Tech Geek; Home Cook & Most Importantly, Mother of 3, my #1 Reason for Living!!!